It’s Friday night: date night. You’ve picked out the perfect outfit; finish up the last minute touch ups to your flawless face and put your heels on to head out the door. It’s show time. Goffman describes that social interactions are actually performances. A performance is defined as an act an individual does in certain environments and times. A few things factor into one’s performance: props, physical appearance and mannerisms. Dating and relationships are some of the most performed interactions in our society.
In dating, an individual’s actions and behaviors (their performance) are influenced by the date setting. They are more proper if the date is taking place at a fancy restaurant, more casual if it’s at a bowling alley. The situation dictates an individual’s mannerisms and physical appearance as well. Especially on first dates, individuals tend to take great care as to what they look like using materials to assist in their performance. They dress up, wear perfume/cologne, make-up etc. Individuals also tend to watch their manners on first dates: acting a little more reserved, respectful and proper than they may be in other situations.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about the performances done on first dates is what Goffman called front stage and back stage behavior. Front stage behavior is what you present to others, your performance. Back stage behavior is hidden or personal behaviors that people choose to keep private. In dating, front stage behavior is essential. You are trying to give a great impression to the individual you are going out with. For most people, this means downplaying your potentially weird qualities (aka back stage behavior) your good qualities. Front stage behavior on a first date can take a few forms. First off, if you know your date has certain interests (sports, movies, music, etc.) you are likely going to emphasize those topics. Trying to come to similarities between the two of you, you might focus on certain interests of yours that correlate more with their interests. While in actuality, you might not be such an avid football fan and only have seen a game or two. Then there’s the performance during the actual dinner. Some girls try to appear more feminine in their front stage date behavior by ordering salads or lighter meals and picking at their food. Yet at home and with friends, they have no problem eating normal amounts of food. Guys tend to slow down their pace of eating to wait for their date, compared to eating at home where they are more likely to scarf down their food in a matter of minutes.
Chatting throughout the date is about getting to know your date. You get the story that they tell you, their front stage behavior. You have no idea what they are actually like around friends, at home, or in any other setting where they aren’t consciously monitoring their behavior. After a few more serious dates, and possibly a relationship, you might learn about some of their back stage behavior. For instance, if your date seemed to be really social and had a lot of stories about friends, and you later find out he is more of a stay at home gamer on the weekends; his front stage behavior doesn’t match his back stage behavior.
Similarly, people in relationships often keep certain aspects of their life a secret from the other. A guy is not likely to share with his girlfriend that he doesn’t mind chick flicks so much, and that he has just intense a facial cleansing regime as most girls. Allowing these behaviors into front stage behavior would mess with his manly front stage performance. Girls, often early in relationships, make sure they look ‘pretty’ all the time. Wearing makeup, cute clothes and so on; they keep their lazy, no-makeup Sunday looks tucked away as back stage behavior. This secrecy of back stage behavior is often why couples who move in together for the first time are surprised by their partner’s habits or home-bound actions.
Whether on a first date or in a relationship, the person you present and the person you are can be surprisingly different. The outward performance (front stage) is the information and qualities you let your partner know, whereas the secret behaviors and characteristics (back stage) are not presented.
Goffman, Erving. 1959. The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. New York: Anchor Books.
In dating, an individual’s actions and behaviors (their performance) are influenced by the date setting. They are more proper if the date is taking place at a fancy restaurant, more casual if it’s at a bowling alley. The situation dictates an individual’s mannerisms and physical appearance as well. Especially on first dates, individuals tend to take great care as to what they look like using materials to assist in their performance. They dress up, wear perfume/cologne, make-up etc. Individuals also tend to watch their manners on first dates: acting a little more reserved, respectful and proper than they may be in other situations.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about the performances done on first dates is what Goffman called front stage and back stage behavior. Front stage behavior is what you present to others, your performance. Back stage behavior is hidden or personal behaviors that people choose to keep private. In dating, front stage behavior is essential. You are trying to give a great impression to the individual you are going out with. For most people, this means downplaying your potentially weird qualities (aka back stage behavior) your good qualities. Front stage behavior on a first date can take a few forms. First off, if you know your date has certain interests (sports, movies, music, etc.) you are likely going to emphasize those topics. Trying to come to similarities between the two of you, you might focus on certain interests of yours that correlate more with their interests. While in actuality, you might not be such an avid football fan and only have seen a game or two. Then there’s the performance during the actual dinner. Some girls try to appear more feminine in their front stage date behavior by ordering salads or lighter meals and picking at their food. Yet at home and with friends, they have no problem eating normal amounts of food. Guys tend to slow down their pace of eating to wait for their date, compared to eating at home where they are more likely to scarf down their food in a matter of minutes.
Chatting throughout the date is about getting to know your date. You get the story that they tell you, their front stage behavior. You have no idea what they are actually like around friends, at home, or in any other setting where they aren’t consciously monitoring their behavior. After a few more serious dates, and possibly a relationship, you might learn about some of their back stage behavior. For instance, if your date seemed to be really social and had a lot of stories about friends, and you later find out he is more of a stay at home gamer on the weekends; his front stage behavior doesn’t match his back stage behavior.
Similarly, people in relationships often keep certain aspects of their life a secret from the other. A guy is not likely to share with his girlfriend that he doesn’t mind chick flicks so much, and that he has just intense a facial cleansing regime as most girls. Allowing these behaviors into front stage behavior would mess with his manly front stage performance. Girls, often early in relationships, make sure they look ‘pretty’ all the time. Wearing makeup, cute clothes and so on; they keep their lazy, no-makeup Sunday looks tucked away as back stage behavior. This secrecy of back stage behavior is often why couples who move in together for the first time are surprised by their partner’s habits or home-bound actions.
Whether on a first date or in a relationship, the person you present and the person you are can be surprisingly different. The outward performance (front stage) is the information and qualities you let your partner know, whereas the secret behaviors and characteristics (back stage) are not presented.
Goffman, Erving. 1959. The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life. New York: Anchor Books.